Brenda Dyck

A Guerrilla Gardener on an Adventure!

For most people, gardening is a healthy thing. Gardens are known to attract birds and butterflies and can add beauty to our existence but what most people don’t realize is that gardening has a dark side.
It all started out harmlessly enough, an annual here, a perennial there, then a couple of online seed trades…
then it became an addiction that led to thieving, drunkenness, killing and hiding the evidence!
I am now known as a “Guerrilla Garden Suspect”!

The Thieving:

 

I have been known to pocket seeds (and if I’m lucky, cuttings) from various parks and gardens that I have visited. As a known “Guerrilla Garden Suspect” I must also admit to having brought seeds through Customs on more than one occasion through an online friend or after a vacation in a foreign country. That was before I knew it was against the law, of course!
And speaking of the law, in my quest to find large river rocks (for my new rockery) I met a nice officer who let me off with a warning. He informed me that if I took the rocks down by the river I could be charged with a serious offense. I’m assuming the same thing applies to the sphagnum moss that I pick in the forest to line my moss baskets with. (Note-to-self: find out what the penalties and/or fines are for this type of offense.)
And much to my shame I have also encouraged friends, family members and even acquaintances to aid in my thieving “Guerrilla Garden Suspect” ways as well. I have been known to stop the car and then encourage them (I like to think of them as my accomplices) to get out and help collect seeds/rocks, driftwood, or plants by the side of the road. If they are the ones driving then I will sometimes try and get them to drive by property that does not belong to me while I think of ways to plant stuff when no one is looking. Luckily enough I usually have enough of a Visa balance that I could probably make bail for everybody involved if needed.

The Drunkenness:

 

Apparently, snails love to party. In fact, they will come from every corner of the yard, in the dark of night and through untold dangers to attend my famous Snail Keg Parties. Through out the season I artfully place left over bottles of beer around the yard (at least that’s what I tell my neighbors) to provide a free snail happy hour from dusk to dawn.
The snails bring their friends the slugs and then get so drunk and out of control that in the morning I always find some floating in their beer, dead.
As a “Guerrilla Garden Suspect”, I know there’s no way of knowing whether the snails or their friends the slugs drowned or died from alcohol poisoning, but I know that I am responsible for supplying the beer.
To help get over the guilt I buy a bottle of wine, invite all my friends and together we toast their untimely demise and throw seed bombs into the neighbor’s yard!

The Killing:

Moles, aphids, carpenter ants, spider mites, and especially slugs are always on this Guerrilla Garden Suspect’s hit list. I show absolutely no remorse about killing these creatures and I have even been known to assassinate spiders and other unknown bugs that were (in my opinion) just too ugly to live.
As for my sworn enemy the slug, my reputation for committing slug genocide is renowned and I must admit that I take great delight when there is an exceptionally large body count.
Being a “Suspected Guerrilla Gardener”, I must also admit that I have killed a few plants in my time (both inside and out). Sometimes it’s an accident, and sometimes I consider it a mercy killing.
If a plant turns out ugly, refuses to bloom, or starts falling down all over the place, I consider it to be a traitor. And everybody knows what happens to traitors.

Hiding the Evidence:

This may or may not include the hiding of various gardening receipts from your spouse, hiding the evidence from your latest Guerrilla Gardening Caper or possibly having a secret seed or plant stash…

Need I say more?

Conclusion:

I have fully acknowledged myself as a “Guerrilla Garden Suspect” and suspect that there are other gardeners out there who can relate to my “Guerrilla Garden Adventures”!
The bottom line is, that even when you try to have the perfect garden, Mother Nature will have her way with you anyways so you might as well share the joy and plant something on someone else’s land too!
In the meantime if you manage to grow more green stuff outside (especially if it’s on property that you doesn’t belong to you) than is currently growing in your fridge then you too could be on your way to becoming “A Guerrilla Garden Suspect”!